. . . in the distant, early morning . . .

I’ve recently been learning a lot about human behavior.

I’ve spent many years believing that, at their core, most people are decent and well-intentioned.  I tend to give basic trust up front, keeping some of the harder stuff for later when there is a true connection.

But there are people out in the world that play games, manipulate others, all for their own agenda - and it seems that far too often that agenda is all about sex.

There is a whole world, a whole subculture, of people that play games with others in order to meet their own goals - essentially to get laid.  I’ve been reading about this culture, arming myself against those games.  Believing in basic goodness is one thing - allowing myself to be played because of it is an entire other thing.

That’s happened - and that has happened recently.  I don’t like talking about it because it’s downright embarrassing.  I feel like an idiot for getting pulled in, and am angry at myself for being so trusting.  On top of that I recently had my doctor’s PA recommend NLP for some of my anxiety - because apparently she thought that me volunteering for programming could undo the damage from the forcible but often very subtle programing? 

I need a new doctor.  Anyway…

I don’t know.  And worst than that - posting this, putting this information out there marks me as a target - a mark - someone that has fallen for it before and is apparently vulnerable to those games.

Well here’s what I’ve got to say:

People don’t talk about this shit enough.  I didn’t educate myself enough to protect myself and I’m sure there are others like me.  I know there are.

Well-intentioned human beings enter the dating scene.  Some of us suck at it, rejection, failure, hurt - they are awful. But avoiding those does not rationalize the manipulation that the players engage in.

Here is the thing - these guides, the language, forums, seminars - they’re out there.  Men and women are going to these in order to receive coaching on how to approach potential partners, lure them in, get them “hooked”.

Some of the people teaching these students - and of course, then, some of the students - lack ethics and lack any discernable conscience.

But you see what I said above? I believe in the basic goodness of human beings.  Maybe some of these poor souls really are just searching and want to make real, true, lasting connections.  I don’t really think that can be done through manipulation - it starts off the whole relationship on a lie.

I don’t really know how to proceed with this information but I’m damned if I’m going to let my world-view be destroyed.  That gives such jerks far too much power.

So I have only this: go out there, talk to people - be YOU.  If people like YOU, then make a connection.  But if you put on an act and manipulate others - sure, you might get laid - even more than once - but you won’t have a real connection.  At the end of the day, if you’re playing those games, you are the chump and you’re really only manipulating yourself out of truly fulfilling connections.

And really, don’t you want to like yourself at the end of the day?

-Lisa, on January 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm .::. Comments and Reactions

It’s been a long time since I updated this site, so here is an update.

Last year I was a hermit, this year I am the opposite.

This is a new me.  It’s a wonderful journey of self-discovery.

I am more happy than I have been in a very long time.  And I mean ridiculously happy.  Beyond ridiculously happy.

As in I can’t make the smiling stop, it is no longer a matter of simple volition.

Somewhere in the last year I found self-confidence.  I am still not happy with my weight, but I am working on it.  But somewhere, somehow (50lbs down?), my own personal confidence skyrocketed.  I started to socialize, and I made a few very, very close friends.  When I hooked up with an old friend that I’d lost contact with, the confidence is what he gravitated to. 

I think I got just enough confidence to go do small stuff.  Then I found friends, and I dated, and the people that I surround myself with clearly like me for me.  I hang out with these wonderful friends and I don’t have to filter the crazy things that go through my head.  I don’t have to worry about looking stupid (oh it happens, they still like me!). 

For a very long time I didn’t feel attractive (not just physical, though that too).  That meant I didn’t go out because I didn’t have any self-confidence and so I didn’t interact: I hid.

I am still not some crazy extrovert that is dancing on table tops (sorry!).  But now, I spend time with the people that I care about and that clearly care about me - and I can be me.  I can say the things in my head, I can make the jokes I want, and I can screw up and still be accepted.

I hope everyone gets to experience this happiness and acceptance in their lives.  It is extremely special. 

Being comfortable in my own skin is wonderful.  It is my own skin, and the only one I’ve got.  Liking it is very important, after all.

-Lisa, on January 8, 2012 at 12:38 pm .::. Comments and Reactions

Complete 32 intervals of 20 seconds of work followed by ten seconds of rest where the first 8 intervals are pull-ups, the second 8 are push-ups, the third 8 intervals are sit-ups, and finally, the last 8 intervals are squats. There is no rest between exercises.

Completed 25 total reps.  Meh.

-Lisa, on November 2, 2011 at 1:06 pm .::. Comments and Reactions