The Final Discard

~ Moment ~ Leave a comment

In 2018 I experienced what would be the final discard.

I tried to go back. No hoover needed.

Then one night, in a fit of clarity, I realized what I was doing.

That I needed to be out.

Now. Forever.

And if I didn’t do something drastic, the pattern would continue.

I was trauma-bonded and co-dependent.

I found a moment of strength.

So I wrote an email. It outlined my requirements for returning. That email included two ultimatums. Both were 500% dealbreakers for the other party.

The goal? To make that person want to go away. So they wouldn’t hoover. So they would say no to me asking for reconciliation.

A moment of strength to help my future self.

The goal was to make the separation permanent.

It was one of the few times where I got the expected reaction.

It worked

I thank goodness every single day that I got out of that toxicity before the pandemic hit.

Before I was stuck living with that situation, in even worst isolation, for years.

I haven’t thought about that ending in a long time. Today, I feel extremely grateful for my freedom.

I have peace. I have routine. I have predictability.

I have love. Love that is free from toxicity and manipulation.

I am free.

I am safe.

Heading toward 2023.

~ Moment ~ Leave a comment

New Year Resolutions. I don’t tend to like them. Mostly because they fade away. Quickly.

I’ve spent 2022 building new habits, growing, learning. Also, I suppose, shrinking?

Today, this last day of 2022, I consider what I’ve done this year.

  • I’ve gotten into and stayed in the 150-155lb range. My lowest adult weight.
  • I’ve revived my love of reading, though I now combine that as book reading and book listening (thanks to the Kindle/Audible sync) and read for multiple hours every day.
  • I’ve picked up a lifting routine to get strong.
  • I have practiced a new language (Dutch) every day.
  • I’ve learned how to cook several new dishes and am enjoying learning more.
  • I’ve returned to horseback riding regularly. Finding my way out of anhedonia and into joy.
  • I’ve done (and continue to do) the mental health work through EMDR that has lead to my continual healing from the trauma & abuse I dealt with for years in Hillsboro then Southern Oregon.

Going into 2023 I find myself for the first time with optimism and hope. I am now fit & healthy. I am an equestrian, reader, learner, and cook.

My New Year’s resolution, then? KEEP IT UP!

No new habits or big changes. No new commitments heading into 2023. I have some goals around my new habits, of course! Striving.

I head into 2023 self-embodied, self-aware, and ready to continue on this incredible journey.

I head into 2023 grateful that I got out of that toxic mess before the pandemic started. Grateful isn’t a big enough word.

I head into 2023 grateful that I have a wonderful support network.

I head into 2023 overjoyed to have re-connected with friends that I was purposefully isolated from.

I head into 2023 independent, healthy, supported, and safe.

I head into 2023 with hope and optimism I thought I might never feel again.

I head into 2023 wholly me.

Onwards!

Healing without medication

~ Moment ~ Leave a comment

Had a physical today and went over my blood test results.

All the problems I had last year – especially cholesterol – solved. All of my numbers are perfectly in range. No signs of insulin resistance or fatty liver.

I’m healthy.

I did it.

No statins (they’re seriously controversial and may even do harm…), no drugs or meds. Some supplements & lifestyle changes.

  • Cut back on diet soda from 1 liter/day to about 1 small bottle a week
  • Added Omega 3 + Coq10 supplementation, and Berberine
  • EXERCISE

… and I didn’t do any long fasts (or even regular fasting) for 3 weeks leading up to my blood tests. Fasting can raise cholesterol – who know? My previous physician simply tried to put me on a statin with NO DISCUSSION of lifestyle or other factors that could play into the test results.

I fired that doctor.

Then I fixed me.

I am no longer at risk of cardiovascular disease. I am not a likely heart attack candidate.

All of the hard work, fasting, lifting, rowing, restrictions – they all paid off. I’m healthy, I like how I look in the mirror, I like that I can move. I found sustainable practices that will keep me healthy for decades.

I’m feeling incredibly proud of myself today.